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Real-Life James Bond's Friends Called Him Biffy, Was Still Cool

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Given that James Bond is the epitome of cool, it could be disappointing to learn that his real-life inspiration was a dude called Wilfred "Biffy" Dunderdale.

But, as a new book about the British MI6 spy service reveals, we're pleased to report that ol' Biffy was a pretty interesting character himself. Here are some of the cooler facts we know about Dunderdale ... Biffy Dunderdale.

He Lived a Thrilling James Bond-Lifestyle Himself

Years into his career, Dunderdale was married to a gorgeous blond, American woman named June Morse, who told anyone who asked that her husband worked in "passport control" -- a common euphemism for military intelligence. The two lived in a luxury flat near the Eiffel Tower while stationed in Paris.

Dunderdale delighted in introducing his friends to the owners of the nightclubs he frequented and insisting that his chaps be given free champagne. The book's author, Keith Jeffrey, told the British Telegraph that "when head of the Secret Intelligence Service Paris station in the 1930s, he had a penchant for pretty women and fast cars."

It's been said that being married to a beautiful American in Paris provided a cover asset -- and this is probably partially why Ian Fleming, in creating the character of "007," gave him all of those Bond Girls. Well, that, and to give future Bond fans the chance to see Olga Kurylenko in that dress.

Keep reading to learn more about the ways Biffy stuck it to the Nazis and looked good doing it.
That Scene in "Goldfinger" Where Bond Removes His Wet Suit, Revealing a Tuxedo? That Actually Happened
It didn't happen to Dunderdale himself, though he's widely described as a "raconteur" and was reportedly thrilled to see his experiences appear in Fleming's work. But Dunderdale did relay the story of a Dutch spy named Pieter Tazelaar to Fleming. Not only did Tazelaar emerge from his rubber suit in fine evening wear before entering a waterfront casino, he even splashed a few drops of Hennessey onto his tie in order to make sure that everybody knew he'd been partying.

He Was Born in Odessa and Spoke Fluent Russian
In fact, one of Dunderdale's favorite stories of his early years involved working as a translator for a Tsarist general. In a scene that we're stunned never made it into a Bond flick, he was tasked with translating between the Russian general and his British mistress, from outside of a train's sleeping compartment. While helping another dude hook up may not sound particularly Bond-like, consider this: Biffy was still a teenager at the time.

He Was a Pretty Good Boxer
The British have weird names for things, and apparently you don't get called something like "Biffy" without some serious inside-the-ring, boxing prowess. (Just ask Muhammad "Biffy" Ali.) During World War I, Dunderdale served in the British Navy, and he was a good enough fighter that he bore the nickname, which proclaims skills in the sweet science, for the rest of his days.

He Didn't Have a "License to Kill" and His Codename Wasn't 007, But He Did Place Almost 60 Agents in France During WWII
Apparently no one had a license to kill, though MI6 did have a list of potential assassination targets that they opted against acting on. They realized that the risks of German retaliation outweighed the reward of a few more dead Nazis. Dunderdale instead managed to help 57 spies into France to fight the good fight. Fleming similarly made up 007 as a codename; British Intelligence agents aren't given numbers, but names.

We're not sure what Dunderdale's codename was, but we're willing to bet it sounded cooler than "Biffy."

 

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Bill Pullman Revisits His 'Independence Day' Speech at Austin Film Fest

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When it comes to inspirational movie speeches delivered by fictional presidents, there are really just two categories: One is the kind that Bill Pullman gives to rally the troops before hopping in his fighter jet to take down alien spaceships in "Independence Day." The second is every other lame speech ever.

Pullman himself attended a screening of the film at Austin's Fantastic Fest on Friday, which featured a "Mystery Science Theater 3000"-style running commentary from local comedy troupe Master Pancake.

The comics were joined during a break by the man who portrayed President Thomas J. Whitmore, reprising his role to take questions from the film's other characters, and, in a bit of had-to-be-there weirdness, a guy dressed as Thomas Jefferson, who insisted that "Independence Day" was his creation.

Asylum caught up with Pullman and asked him to reflect on this most presidential of speeches. Keep reading to see the video and find out how it felt to give the speech for the first time.


"I was actually pretty nervous," Pullman says, "because [producer] Dean Devlin was saying, 'I want to make sure that when we shoot this, that we cut it right away, because we have to convince Fox to keep the title of 'Independence Day.' The studio was starting to float other titles, and they didn't like any other titles, so he told me, 'If this speech works, then the movie has to be 'Independence Day,'" Pullman recalls.

"So I felt like, 'Oh, OK, let's hope the speech is good.' Then, a couple of days later, he came in with a cassette tape -- that's all we had in '95 -- and he said, 'Look at this. Look at how this cut together, Bill.' And I realized, geez, this does get you."

As to why that speech in particular resonates, Pullman has a few ideas. "It's not very macho," he says, "It's not 'Let's go out there and kick ass!' It's not a pump-up sports speech, 'Let's go out there and hunt bears!' It's about standing up for what's right, and appealing to a fierceness that comes from humility, and I always thought that was good."

We knew we'd be remiss if we got the chance to talk to Bill Pullman about "Independence Day'" and didn't ask him to stoke the "ID4-Ever" rumor fires a little. Is the long-discussed sequel even on his radar? "I haven't had a chance to talk to [director] Roland [Emmerich] about it," he says, "But he's always wanted to get back in there. It's a movie that's close to his heart, and I'm sure the story is great. It's difficult to balance the power/money equation."

But if Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich call him about "ID4-Ever," he's definitely picking up. "Unless there's the scene in the end where I come out in the wheelchair," he says. "'Ohhhh, my ancient wisdom to you, what worked so well for me in '95!'

"But if I could fly a fighter plane again," he laughs, "then maybe."

 

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RZA, Elijah Wood and Spanish Filmmakers Team Up for Karaoke

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We couldn't assemble an unlikelier karaoke supergroup than this: Elijah Wood; Spanish directors Nacho Vigalondo ("Timecrimes") and Eugenio Mira ("Agnosia"); Alamo Drafthouse CEO Tim League and COO Henri Mazza; and Wu-Tang Clan leader RZA. Those disparate souls came together on Saturday night at Fantastic Fest in Austin for what may be the new definitive version of the Black Eyed Peas' 2009 hit "I Gotta Feeling." (Sorry, Oprah.)

The festival shoots for an "anything can happen" atmosphere and, as is made abundantly clear by the following video, they achieve that goal and then some. Even Elijah Wood is amazed. Check out how the little dude -- seemingly in disbelief -- keeps snapping photos of the RZA while he's onstage.

 

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Fantastic Arcade's Indie Games Showcase the Weird, Depressing

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The biggest difference between classic video games and contemporary ones isn't the photo-realistic graphics, the depth of plot and character or the sophisticated gameplay. It's the fact that, nowadays, you can enjoy a game while sitting down.

The Fantastic Arcade portion of Austin's Fantastic Fest genre-film festival seeks to restore the thrill of standing around a tall cabinet, pushing buttons while awed onlookers envy your talents. To that end, the independent games portion of the festival involved converting the featured titles into full cabinet arcade games.

Asylum checked out the arcade and took some pictures of some of our favorites -- most of which you can play from your desktop for free (but sitting down).

"Every Day the Same Dream"
One of the goals of the Fantastic Arcade was to challenge the notion that games have to be fun. "Every Day the Same Dream" is just a dude waking up and going to work, over and over again. There's a roof you can jump off of and a homeless guy you can get drugs from, but not much else. Most of us don't need an arcade to play that game.

Keep reading for more from the Fantastic Arcade."Ulitsa Dimitrova"
In "Ulitsa Dimitrova," players experience life as Piotr, a 7-year-old homeless Russian boy who chain smokes his way through thoroughly depressing streets, stealing hood ornaments and vodka to support his habit.

There's no way to win, and choosing not to play, as "War Games" might suggest, doesn't get you out either. If you abandon Piotr, he freezes to death in the harsh Russian winter. Sounds fun, right?
"Enviro-Bear 2000"
The age-old question, "Bear is driving -- how can that be?" finally receives an answer with this game, in which the player, as a bear, has to drive a car through a virtual landscape.

It seemed pretty fun, but the arcade console had a fur liner and the controls kept getting sticky thanks to the trapped fur. Still, as long as the player put something heavy on the car's gas pedal, the bear could indeed drive the car.
"Machinarium"
While a lot of games at Fantastic Arcade focus on artistic exploration and quirkiness over playability, "Machinarium" shoots for the trifecta, as a fun, weirdly imaginative and beautifully rendered point-and-click robot adventure.
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"Monaco"
A thus-far-unreleased heist game, "Monaco" combines lo-fi, Atari-style characters with rich, colorful backgrounds to offer up some really fun multiplayer action. Players steal stuff, like in a French heist movie.
"Feist"
The one type of game that never really worked in the arcade format was the 2-D, side-scrolling adventure, but that's cool. "Feist" will most likely be coming to PC and home consoles when it's done with its beta test run, and that's good news.

The game kind of reminds us of the Xbox Live hit of the summer, "Limbo," with that same soft-focus thing going on, with lush colors and a melancholy feel to the adventure.

 

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How to Make a (Good) Living As a Human Lab Rat

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It became very clear to me sometime in my early 20s that working for a living was a complete scam.

After a couple of years spent clocking in 40-hour weeks, I realized that I wanted nothing to do with a system that offered me such meager compensation and ate up so much of my time. In a perfect world, my time would be mine to travel, learn to play the melodica and the sitar, download pornography, cry myself to sleep, play video games, cry in the shower, watch countless episodes of "Justice League Unlimited" in an unbroken stream and visit the finest restaurants in town, where I could sneak off into the bathroom and cry in seclusion.

And so I became a lab rat.

The life of a full-time, professional volunteer for pharmaceutical and medical research studies is like being handed the keys to the Kingdom of Easy Money and Free Time. All that crying up there? Tears of joy, friends, for the ease with which I was able to live my life. And you can do it, too. It's simple.

Keep reading to learn how to rent your body to science.Step 1: Know What They Are
There are facilities throughout America that offer paid compensation in exchange for your participation in clinical pharmaceutical research studies.

While each study varies, the basics are pretty consistent: For a set amount of time, you agree to check in to a research clinic, where you won't be allowed to leave, and take an experimental, non-FDA-approved drug that they're testing. You'll be poked and prodded, have blood drawn sometimes as often as 20 times a day, eat tasteless, Dharma Initiative-caliber food and live with others who have chosen this as their line of work.

Your main task, besides being stuck incessantly with needles, will be to report the side effects of the drug. Eventually, some years down the line, if your drug is approved by the FDA, a calm-voiced narrator will rattle off some of the things you've reported at the end of a commercial, warning potential patients that they may feel what you've felt. This will fill you with great pride.

Step 2: Find a Study
Towns with a large university tend to have facilities for drug studies -- Austin, Texas, and Madison, Wis., are each home to some of the more popular clinics, though they pop up throughout this great land of ours. Full lists can be found on websites like Guinea Pigs Get Paid and Just Another Lab Rat.

Each facility's screening process varies, but in any case, you'll be required to undergo a physical so they can determine whether you dropping dead minutes after taking the drug was a side effect and not because you were on the verge of death to begin with. You'll also be measured for various other requirements, like a basic BMI fitness level and blood pressure. If you meet these, you'll probably be admitted.

Step 3: Be Patient
Life inside a drug study's facility is kind of like going to camp, but with no activities and lots of needles. The other participants will range from people who owe child support payments for their eight kids (each with a different woman) to wacky, Kramer-from-"Seinfeld"-like kooks.

You'll want to take a laptop and an iPod, though you'll need to be sure that there's no camera in either. When you're not being stuck with needles and forced drugs, you'll have plenty of free time. Been meaning to re-watch "Smallville" before the fateful 10th season? Well, there's time enough at last.

Studies range in length from a single weekend to up to six weeks, and your paycheck tends to average roughly $200 a night. If the idea of making six grand in a single month isn't appealing enough, imagine making six grand in a single month that you spent devouring the entire oeuvre of Jet Li. There'll be boring stretches, and the food will probably be nasty, but keep your eye on the prize and you'll make it.

Step 4: Get Out and Get Ready for the Next One
Each study has a wash-out period after you check out of the facility, so you don't start mixing unapproved, experimental drugs. Usually, it's about a month. Assuming that you're using your check for personal expenses, and not to cover massive gambling debts or something, now's the time to live it up: Save enough for taxes, which aren't deducted from the check in advance and then think about where you'd like to go next. Feel like spending some time in Chicago? Book a flight to the Windy City and then schedule a screening at Abbott Laboratories, in nearby Waukegan. Fancy a European vacation? Spend some of your massive check on international airfare, then get ready to check in at Paraxel in London. (Bonus: The exchange rate works in your favor here.) In a tropical mood? Head on down to Honolulu for an extended study at Covance.

Step 5: Retire, Eventually
The first year or two that you're making a (good) living playing video games and watching movies inside of a clinical pharmaceutical research unit, it really does seem like you've found a cheat code for life: no boss, all the free time you can handle and easy money whenever you want it.

But, like all super-exciting things, there will come a time when you start to get sick of it. You'll be tired of having to explain the needle marks in your arms by telling the TSA security guy that you've found Jesus and are taking it a day at a time. Maybe you'll meet a girl who wants a boyfriend who's actually there and whose job she can explain to her mom.

When that day comes, listen to your instincts. There are all sorts of other careers for people with your experience set, and you'll come to appreciate the ability to do things like go outside every single day and not bleed from a hole in your arm. You don't need to close the door permanently -- if you decide that you need a used Jet Ski or season tickets for your favorite basketball team, the drug studies will still be waiting. No one can do this as a full-time career for more than about four years without becoming the exact sort of person that your friends worried you were when you first told them about your new scheme -- and you don't want to be that person. You'll have spent a whole bunch of time locked up in a clinic with that person. You'll hate him.

I made it a solid three years as a full-time lab rat, and the lure of the money has gotten me to sign up for a short study a couple of times in the ensuing years. It turns out there are a few jobs a person can get that actually provide some measure of satisfaction, and I'd recommend pursuing one of them, if you get the chance. But, in a bad economy where options can be limited, free money in exchange for testing drugs sure beats working a crappy job like a sucker.


Dan Solomon is regular contributor to Asylum, the Onion A.V. Club and MadeLoud. His body now belongs to his wife.

 

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Pulp History Tells True Stories Minus Boring Parts, Plus Pictures

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As fans of both the pulp tradition and history, we're excited that Simon & Schuster has launched its Pulp History imprint, which features real-life World War II-era adventure sagas told in the style of the old-school pulps.

The series debuts with two titles: "Devil Dog" by David Talbot, the author of the bestseller "Brothers: The Hidden History of the Kennedy Years"; and '"Shadow Knights," by Salon.com co-founder Gary Kamiya.

"Devil Dog" tells the story of Smedley Butler (actual name!), the most decorated Marine in U.S. history. He fought in Nicaragua, Haiti and France and faced down gangsters in Philadelphia, before stifling a coup attempt on FDR. "Shadow Knights" is about Winston Churchill's secret army of housewives, schoolteachers, prostitutes and farmers who parachuted into Nazi Germany to take down Hitler from within.

With everybody from David Simon to R. Crumb raving about them, you'll be in good company if you join us in nerding out about these. Keep reading for a promotional trailer of the series.

 

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'Poker Face' Thesis Project Reads Emotions With Phone App, Wristbands

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For the introspective, a phone app that tells you when you're stressed out and tracks your emotional state over the course of the week might seem unnecessary. But for more science-minded people who need hard data before coming to a conclusion, a beeping red light that says "Hey, dude, calm down!" can be pretty helpful.

That's the hope that NYU research resident Mustafa Bagdatli had, anyway, when he invented "Poker Face" for his thesis project. A phone app that connects via Bluetooth to sensors in a wristband and on chest pads, Poker Face was created to identify the changes in mood by using heart rate data and storing it on the phone. It also takes pictures with the phone's camera every 10 minutes to create a visual map of what it was that brought you down during the course of your day.

Keep reading to learn more about how Poker Face works, and what Bagdatli thinks the practical application might be.The color of the screen on the phone changes with the wearer's mood. Bagdatli was his own test subject during the trial period. When his screen went red, he learned how to respond.

"You can learn a lot about yourself that way," Bagdatli told Asylum. "It means something is changing, and I learned to identify what's happening to me. If I see a beautiful girl, it might make it really red. I know how to identify what emotion is causing it, and because it makes the phone vibrate, it gives you a sense that you have to stop now."

This is all cool, but is there a practical application for the rest of us to wearing a device that tells you when you're stressed out? Bagdatli thinks so.

"I worked with a psychologist during my thesis," he says. "And I would go to his office and show him my data. That seemed interesting to him, and he started focusing on the data and especially the pictures, which are really effective in seeing what it actually was that triggered my emotional state. This could be really beneficial for people when they go to a psychologist -- they'd actually have field data."

At the very least, Bagdatli has succeeded in inventing a device that makes it harder to be sneaky while checking out a pretty girl on the street.

Hey, at least he didn't un-invent sunglasses while he was at it.

 

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20-Year-Old FBI Surveillance Target Finds GPS on Car, Posts on Reddit

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Here's a riddle: When is "you're boring" an awesome comment to hear from someone you've just met? Answer: When that person is an FBI agent who placed a GPS device on your car explaining that they'll be leaving you alone from now on.

Granted, in the case of Yasir Afifi, an Arab-American student from Santa Clara, Calif., it'd have been even more awesome to not have had a GPS device placed -- according to the ACLU and an article on Wired -- without anything in the way of probable cause.

Afifi, who is 20 years-old and half-Egyptian on his father's side, found out about the device when a mechanic found it on the underside of his car while it was up on the hydraulic lift. He figured out that it was a GPS tracking device after posting some photos he took of iton Reddit.When the FBI came back to retrieve the device -- manufactured exclusively for law enforcement by a company called Cobham (and probably not on the cheap) -- Afifi was on the verge of selling it on Craigslist. According to Wired, however, an agent poking around Afifi's car told him, "We're here to recover the device you found on your vehicle. It's federal property. It's an expensive piece, and we need it right now."

While the legality of selling a piece of FBI surveillance equipment that you've found installed without your knowledge, consent or a warrant (which, according to a recent 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals decision, isn't required) is probably not something with clear-cut guidelines yet, the odds are that it wouldn't have worked out in Afifi's favor. Instead, the ACLU saw those photos on Reddit and contacted him to challenge the practice of warrant-less GPS surveillance of U.S. citizens -- a battle he's hopefully got more of a shot at winning.

In the meantime, we'd just like to let the FBI know that we spent the past two hours waiting around for the FedEx guy to deliver our new iPhone. No need to track us -- we're about as boring as they come.

 

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'Chief of Space Medicine' and More Amazing Job Titles We Want

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In the midst of obsessing over the Chilean miners rescue operation yesterday, we landed on a story about an American doctor who'd been consulting with the Chilean medical authorities: The man is NASA Chief of Space Medicine J.D. Polk

Of course, we were instantly captivated at the thought of being able to write "Chief of Space Medicine" on a tax return. But Dr. Polk isn't the only guy whose job title is enviable. It's one of a few positions that would make us feel pretty special to see under our name on a business card.

Chief of Space Medicine
What it sounds like: There's a whole other kind of medicine that we earthlings don't know nothing about: space medicine! And this guy's the chief of it!
What it really is: The Chief of Space Medicine works with astronauts and flight crews at NASA to make sure they're in optimal health and fitness before they go off into space. So, it's earth medicine, but for people in space.

Keep reading to learn about teenage pregnancy implementation managers, gang knife fish choppers, vibe managers and more.
Head of Strength
What it sounds like:
You hear "Head of Strength" and you think the guy's, like, a Viking or a Spartan or something. His name should be Olaf or Magnus, and he should be able to lift cars and impregnate women just by looking at them.
What it really is: At most university athletics programs, the head of strength (often, but not always, called "head of strength and conditioning," which sacrifices a little bit of the flavor) is responsible for overseeing the weight room and keeping student athletes in tip-top shape.

Director of Weather
What it sounds like: A friggin' wizard who will drop a blizzard on the village of anyone who tries to cheat him out of his gold, or any person foolish enough to insult his evil, talking cat.
What it really is: A boring old Air Force meteorologist who develops policy and standards for the Air Force's weather support systems.

Teenage Pregnancy Implementation Manager
What it sounds like: [insert off-color joke here]
What it really is: A position offered by the Manchester, England, city council working to implement programs intended to reduce the number of teenage pregnancies. They just left that part out of the description, because whoever is in charge of job listings at the Manchester City Council is secretly a 13-year-old boy.

Vibe Manager
What it sounds like: Some dude at a party in Ed Hardy who wears sunglasses 24 hours a day and tries to instruct people on the proper way of "chilling."
What it really is: A little less douche-y than that. "Vibe Manager" is a person at the Hard Rock Hotel whose job is to keep the atmosphere at the place consistent with the brand's identity -- basically, to make it feel like a different place than a Holiday Inn.


Chief of Future Concepts
What it sounds like:
Whatever concepts they come up with in the future, this guy's gonna be the chief of it. Just keep waiting for that future to get here, and you'll have an awesome job.
What it really is: Almost as cool as that, actually. The Chief of Future Concepts for the National Security Space Office is in charge of figuring out what the next set of space-faring technologies will be. Then he or she helps implement them in today's world.

Shadow Chancellor of the Exchequer
What it sounds like: Somebody who works for Sauron, the Dark Lord, and probably rides a spooky horse. He almost certainly has a long, black beard and can make your nightmares come alive while you're awake.
What it really is: So, in the U.K., the opposition party -- that is, the party that's not in power -- has a shadow government, which consists of the people who'll be in charge whenever the current party loses the election. The Chancellor of the Exchequer, meanwhile, is the economic and financial minister in the British cabinet. The Shadow Chancellor of the Exchequer, then, is the guy who'll have that job when the party in power flips. He probably still wears a cloak, though.

President of Wildlife Forever

What it sounds like:
All the wildlife in the forest got together and had a vote, and they picked this guy to be their president. Forever and ever, they liked him so much!
What it really is: Wildlife Forever is a habitat conservation nonprofit, and its president writes a column for the organization's website -- and probably manages fund-raising or something. Hopefully he at least still tries to talk to animals.

Gang Knife Fish Chopper
What it sounds like: Four random words, three of which are pretty violent-sounding, thrown into a random order to make whomever holds the title sound scary. Maybe it's some kind of code?
What it really is: Apparently when fish are caught and then prepared for canning, that process is done by hand. The person who does it uses what's called a "gang knife," which is a set of knives that are raised and lowered by hand, to chop them up. Hence, a fish chopper who carries out his trade by the means of a gang knife. Not code after all, but still tough-sounding.

Know another amazing job title? Leave it in the comments.

 

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Actress Jenny Jemison on Going Through Life With a Porn Star's Name

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There are names that are clearly perfect for the line of work one has chosen to pursue. (See: weightlifter Magnus Ver Magnusson or celebrity publicist Ken Sunshine.) There are also names that are clearly unfortunate. (See: urologist Dr. Dick Chopp or online gambler Anurag Dikshit.) Finally, there are names that were fine when the parents bestowed them onto their child, but turned out to be kinda sucky.

Austin actress Jenny Jemison knows what that's like. Sometime around adolescence, her name suddenly became two soft vowel sounds away from being that of the world's most famous porn star.

For obvious reasons, Jenny now works under a combination of her first and middle names, Jennymarie ("which ironically still sounds like a porn name," she says, "but at least it's not a porn name that's taken").Outside of her professional life, friends, casual acquaintances and even landlords have found the coincidence to be totally hilarious.

"One place I was living, my sink got stopped up, so I had to call my landlord," she says. "And he got really excited. 'Oh, Jenna Jameson needs me to come down to her apartment and snake her drain. He called Jorge, the maintenance guy, on three-way -- he thought it was great that we were on three-way -- and told him, 'Hey, Jorge, Jenna Jameson's on the phone right now and she needs us to snake her drain.' And Jorge didn't really get it -- he was just like, 'Que?'"

The actress, who recently wrapped production on the stoner comedy "Austin High," doesn't harbor a grudge against the star who hijacked her name, not after an incident that happened several years ago, when Jemison and Jameson found themselves in the same building for the first time.

Several years ago, Jemison was working for a media company that's been the subject of more than one exposé on its crappy treatment of employees. ("You couldn't go through the day there without being called a 'useless whore' or a 'f**king c*ntface,' or something like that," she tells Asylum.) One particularly hated boss, who had been given the nickname "Toadbaby," hired Jenna Jameson to record some sexy audio for promotional materials, apparently with the aim of calling a bunch of friends to sit in a studio and listen to the famed porn star make sex noises for three days.

"Jenna ran through the dialogue in about 30 minutes and said, 'Well, I guess we got it,'" she says. "Toadbaby tried to argue, but she just said, 'Look, I'm Jenna Jameson. I know how to make sex sounds. We got it.'"

Standing her ground against her boss endeared Jameson to Jemison and her fellow employees, but the porn star truly became a hero around the office when she told him, as Jemison recalls, "'You're a nasty little man who wants to make me make sex noises for three days, and that's not going to happen. It's not my fault that you can't find a woman to actually make those sounds for you.'

"She said everything that we couldn't," Jemison explains.

So take heart, if you're a guy with a name like Rod Jermie or Jon Homes -- the person who made your name something of a liability might one day turn out to be your greatest hero.

 

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Remote Control With Bottle Opener Possibly Insults Men Everywhere

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Hey, you know how you love watching television, drinking beer and maintaining a sloth-like avoidance of even the most gentle of physical activities?

Well, check it out, Homer Simpson -- the Clicker universal remote was invented just so you could sit on the couch changing channels on your television while opening your beer at the exact same time.

The device's website features unattributed testimonials from men who are either fictional or too ashamed to put their names to statements like, "This may be the greatest invention in the history of all mankind" and "Remember this day, ladies and gentlemen, as the day human ingenuity officially reached its pinnacle."

If you happen to be the sort of guy who likes beer and sports (the website is emblazoned with the word "game companion"), does this insult your intelligence and competence a little bit? (Us, we're waiting until someone makes a bottle opener that's built into the "Complete Short Stories of Ernest Hemingway.")

 

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A Prison Librarian on Pimps, Books and Making Friends On the Inside

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running the books avi steinbergFor most men contemplating a career that will bring them into a fascinating world full of interesting conflicts and populated by colorful characters, being a librarian ranks somewhere between "dental assistant" and "wedding videographer."

Unless you're Avi Steinberg, author of the new memoir "Running the Books," whose job as a prison librarian led him to work with people who carried monikers like "C.C. Too Sweet" and "Fat Kat."

The Harvard-educated Steinberg found the job in the Suffolk County House of Corrections on -- where else? -- Craigslist. After cutting his hair as short as possible to pass a follicle drug test, he left his position as a freelance obituary writer for The Boston Globe to become, at least in some capacity, a jailer.

The book features more than a handful of colorful anecdotes -- including the one about the time he was mugged by a then-released inmate who recognized him ("I still owe you two books," the mugger shouted as he ran off) -- but also is full of thoughtful soul-searching about the nature of our prison system, as well as the library's place in it.

"The library is an important piece of the lives of the inmates," he says. "They come in every day ... I tried to be friendly and warm, and they really responded to that. In prison, that's not a given."

Keep reading to learn about the inmates Steinberg is still friends with, the point when he decided to write the book, and why he hopes C.C. Too Sweet is reading this.Breaking the Taboo and Being Friends
Steinberg says that while it's taboo for guards and inmates to call themselves friends, there's not nearly as much separation between the inmates and the guards as TV and movies make it seem. "When you spend that much time with people, the differences tend to melt away, and you realize that you have much more in common with each other," he says. "They're all part of communities and families, and the officers and staff develop a kinship with them."

Steinberg himself discovered a particular affinity for the pimps, due to that group's inexplicable love for the library. One former gangster and pimp, who went by the name of "Fat Kat," even bestowed upon Steinberg his cherished prison nickname, "Bookie." Another inmate Steinberg befriended dreamed of starring in his own cooking show, "Thug Sizzle." The librarian contemplated sneaking him spices to use on the inside, until he realized "how incriminating handing an inmate a bag of oregano or rosemary would look to a guard."

avi steinbergOn C.C. Too Sweet and Being a Teacher
In addition to running the library, Steinberg's role in the prison included teaching creative writing classes. "The teaching aspect of prison was one thing I really loved," he says. "I thought I was better at that than anything else."

Steinberg worked closely with one former pimp, who went by the name "C.C. Too Sweet," whose memoir showed particular promise. In his role as editor and adviser, Steinberg suggested C.C. more fully realize his female characters, leading the pimp to stop referring to them as "bitches" in his manuscript.

Steinberg worried that people would be outraged that a civil servant was helping a pimp write a salacious "tell-all" book. He also felt ambivalent about being close to a man who was responsible for crimes like kidnapping and forced prostitution. However, in the time since his own book's completion, he's made peace with the conflict.

"I've actually been trying to get in touch with him," Steinberg said. "He may be back in jail, according to Fat Kat. But thanks to the book, I actually have some connections, and I'd like to show his book to agents. He worked hard on it, and it deserves a read. Hopefully, he'll read this article."

Leaving the Prison and Telling the Story
While the book isn't clear on the exact circumstances leading to Steinberg quitting his job in the prison, he tells Asylum that while he worried about the inmates, he doesn't overstate the impact his departure had on their lives. "These guys are pretty good at getting by," he points out.

So when did he realize that this was a story he needed to tell? Almost as soon as he started: "One thing I noticed about the culture of the prison, among the staff and the inmates, is that everyone says, 'This could be a movie. This could be a book.' It's like a refrain, and I realized they were right."

In the end, "Running the Books" is one of the more thoughtful and nuanced looks at prison culture -- more so than, say, "Oz," anyway. And it'll probably remain high on the list of great books about the subject -- at least until C.C. Too Sweet's memoir finds a publisher.

 

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Paranoia Alert: Let's Learn About Testicular Torsion

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man screamingWe live in an uncertain world, but there's an order to the universe that we can nonetheless derive comfort from: Two and two is always four, the Cubs will never go to the World Series and your left ball is always on the left side of your -- wait, what? "Testicular torsion"? Oh no, this is going to hurt to read about.

Writer and comedian Evan Jacobs found out the hard way that, while a man's testicles are meant to remain on their natural side, the wrong sort of physical activity -- in his case, lifting weights and performing a bent-over row to work his lats -- can set into motion a switcheroo.

While Jacobs initially numbed the pain with a joint and a hot shower, he later experienced what he described as a pain akin to "a nuclear device going off in [his] bladder". The reason for the agony? The spermatic cords, which attach the testes to the body, fail to get enough blood, which can result in tissue death of the balls -- in turn, resulting in spiritual and emotional death, we're pretty sure.

Keep reading for more information that will haunt your dreams.Whereas Jacobs emerged from the experience with only (we presume) permanent psychological damage, the risks are high: if treated within 12 hours, the chance of saving the testicle drops to 50 percent (from 90 percent, if caught in the first six hours). More than 12 hours to get to the hospital? Your odds are a lowly 10 percent that you'll remain complete.

The most common indication of testicular torsion is severe pain, so if you can]t tell between your righty and your lefty by feel alone, remember that if you're experiencing massive pain in the area, you may actually be in danger of losing a #$%@ing ball.

On the bright side, the risk of experiencing testicular torsion decreases as you get older. Sixty-five percent of cases occur in adolescence, and take place in 1 in 4,000 men under the age of 25.

As you get older, apparently your balls get as settled in and resistant to change as the rest of you.

 

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NASA Announces Arsenic-Based Life Forms -- But Are They Going to Kill Us?

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Here's what we knew about the nature of life as of yesterday: All life is carbon-based -- from an amoeba to a blue whale to a houseplant -- and has the same basic building blocks in its DNA. Those building blocks are carbon, hydrogen, oxygen, and nitrogen, phosphorous and sulfur; non-carbon-based life is impossible.

Here's what we know as of NASA's announcement this afternoon: There's also a life form on this planet that is arsenic-based, and unlike apple trees and puppy dogs and your mom, it uses arsenic in place of phosphorous.

This raises a lot of questions -- scientific, philosophical and otherwise. But what we mainly want to know is this: Are these things our enemies or what?

Keep reading to find out if we're about to go to war with this potentially evil, poison-based life form.
Are We About to Go to War With the Arsenic-Based Bacteria?
The news is incredibly exciting and literally changes everything we thought we knew about not just life on Earth, but throughout the universe. The scientific community is thrilled to have the opportunity to enhance our understanding of the universe and the nature of life. And if we were an evil, poison-based life form, that's exactly how we'd want it. We would lull mankind into a state of security by being microscopic bacteria hanging out in some lake somewhere in California, we'd get discovered, we'd be celebrated as a grand development in the halls of human knowledge, and then -- bam! Pretty soon, the carbon-based life we hadn't exterminated would be our slaves!

This is exciting news, sure, and we understand why scientists are all so stoked. But if there's not some crazy genius in a lab somewhere figuring out a way to kill these things as we speak, then we could be woefully unprepared for when they turn the tables on us.

Is It Possible That a Life Form That's Literally Made of Poison Could Be Anything Other Than the Enemy of All Humanity?
This may all sound paranoid, but check this out: We know nothing about these things. We've never seen anything like this, and until this discovery, life of this kind was considered impossible. If a week ago, this was thought to be impossible, is it really crazy to think that these things might also be evil?

One need look no further than what these things use as a building block of their DNA. People and fish and plants and all the stuff we're used to, we use phosphorous. Phosphorous has all sorts of uses, like fireworks and toothpastes. These little bastards, though? They use arsenic. That's poison, son, and it turns kindhearted old ladies into murderers. All it does is kill. Unless you're one of these guys -- then it makes you stronger.

Will This Bring Carbon-Based Life Forms Together As One, Now That We Have a Common Enemy?
If "Watchmen" and "Independence Day" have taught us anything, it's that the only thing that can bring humanity together is a common enemy. When we have something to join together to oppose, national boundaries and ethnic divisions stop seeming so relevant. But now, we have the broadest enemy ever -- non-carbon-based life means that all of the carbon life forms on the planet are on the same team. If there's one good thing that can come from this, it's the potential for a rugged army of humans, dolphins and bears to march together to wipe out these smug little arsenic-based creeps.

Even if these things are really just an obscure life form chilling out in some California lake that no one ever goes swimming in, and we're actually not in great danger of being exterminated by their arsenic-wielding ways, we must remain ever-vigilant: Combine this information with the other major discovery of the week, that the universe is probably three times bigger than we believed, and what's very clear is that the odds of encountering arsenic-based alien invaders out to destroy us just got way, way higher.

Call us paranoid if you must, but we bet you'll be knocking on our door to ask our army of highly-trained dolphin soldiers to help kill the arsenic things when they come for you. Car! Bon! Based! Car! Bon! Based!

 

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Portland State University Students Turn Hallway Into 'Super Mario Brothers' Level

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For most of us, the closest we've been able to come to realizing the shared dream of all global culture enthusiasts -- actually inhabiting a "Super Mario Bros." world -- has been to don a hat, overalls and a mustache, then go looking for turtles to kick in a park somewhere. For Beth Olson and the other members of her Art and Social Practices project at Portland State University, that just wasn't good enough. Enter: The 8-bit hallway.



"Our idea was to create an interactive life-sized 8-bit style level for people to play with," Olson says, and she and the group picked Mario for the same reason any of us would have. "There is just something about 'Super Mario Bros.' that everyone seems to relate to, even if they never really played it as a kid. Even people who are in a hurry or have arms full of books instantly found themselves jumping goombahs and making beep-beep-boop sounds the whole way down the hall."

In the end, they placed bricks and blocks down the hall, accompanied by goombah, koopa troopers, and mushrooms, as well as coins on the staircase and a big green pipe at the elevator -- plus, naturally, a castle at the end. (Reports that the group was grateful to Mario, but were forced to regretfully inform him that the Princess was being held in another castle, were unconfirmed at press time.)

Keep reading to see more pictures from this amazing project.The project was intended to be short-lived, according to Olson, since she and her team did it as "sort of a renegade operation" -- meaning they didn't have the permission of the school or the fire marshal. But even though the majority of the project only lasted for a few hours, certain elements, like the pipe on the elevator and the castle, remained for over two months.

Ultimately, Olson says, the project was rewarding for one reason we can all relate to: "As designers," she says, "we're really just a huge bunch of geeks."

 

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17-Year-Old FX Artist Raising Funds for High-Tech Monster Suit

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Monsters are going to be hot in 2011. Everyone from Kanye West to J.J. Abrams agrees, and so does Derek Tonks, a 17-year-old from Pomona, Calif., who's using the fund-raising website Kickstarter to finance the creation of a new, full-size, Predator-like wearable monster suit.

The outfit isn't exactly your average Halloween costume -- the suit includes 12-inch "digitigrade" stilts, which allow the wearer's legs to bend at an unnatural angle, as well as mechanical hands to give extra-long fingers, while the body is crafted from foam latex sculpted in fiberglass molds, to be filled with animatronics that articulate the face via remote-control servo motors.

All of which equals pro-quality special effects, created by a 17-year-old in his parents' garage. Keep reading to see pictures of some of Tonks' previous work and to learn his plans for what he'll do with the suit when it's finished.
Tonks brings a teenager's sense of humor to the monster. He tells Asylum, "When this thing is built, a couple of my buds and I will be driving around just to see people's reactions. I think it's safe to say that our behavior will overflow to parties, parking garages to creep people out, and most definitely Halloween night."

That could combine in cool ways with the Kickstarter concept, in which people who donate funds to the project receive unique incentives. Right now, Tonks offers rewards ranging from how-to DVDs for a $25 contribution, to a full-size, wearable monster head of your own for $650, but if a sponsor wanted to kick in the right amount, he'd be willing to fly to your town and jump out of, say, your boss's bushes while clad head-to-toe in a film-grade latex monster outfit. In fact, he's enthusiastic about the idea.

"Heck yes!" he tells Asylum. "That'd be super-sweet, if we can get the costume there safe and I don't encounter legal fees from heart attacks."



 

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Which NFL Team Has the Best Hip-Hop Fan Tribute?

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Despite Vegas's best efforts, determining who's going to win any given week's football game is not an exact science. Some choose to look at who the oddsmakers favor or follow the talking heads on the pre-game shows. Some people stick to the Balki System, and for a good two-week stretch during the middle of the season, we made it through our pick-'em league by writing both teams' names on sheets of paper, placing a Beggin' Strip on each one and letting the dog decide.

But now that it's time for the divisional round of the playoffs, we have to get serious. It's time to look at who's got the strongest hip-hop fan tribute so we can better understand which direction the emotional energy will be flowing.

Nearly every NFL team has an obsessive fanbase that consists of at least a couple of aspiring rappers. Those rappers, in turn, record tribute songs for the team of their choice. Some of them are pretty great, while others get points just for trying. We took a look at the best songs on YouTube for each team playing this weekend and matched 'em up head-to-head in order to discern what might happen on the field.Pittsburgh Steelers vs. Baltimore Ravens

Steelers song: "Black and Yellow," by Wiz Khalifa



Ravens song:
"Ray Lewis (I Tried to Tell 'Em)," by Terry Motivation



Analysis
: Wiz Khalifa's "Black and Yellow" is almost a ringer in this contest, as it's a legitimate single from an artist on a major label. As of this posting, in fact, it's a gold record, while Baltimore MC Terry Motivation has yet to hit 150 followers on Twitter. But just like the Steelers are the home team with a Super Bowl-tested quarterback while the Ravens are playing on the road with an offense that's been less than spectacular this season, the whole story isn't just in the pedigree.

Wiz Khalifa's song, while obviously catchy, is full of shoe-horned references to the Steelers, and he recently recorded a remixed version of the song called "Purple and Yellow" to celebrate the L.A. Lakers. Terry Motivation's "Ray Lewis (I Tried to Tell 'Em)", meanwhile, is a full-throttle tribute to his team's greatest icon, and the passion he brings to his tribute to the Ravens' star: "the best to ever play middle linebacker / Super Bowl MVP / quarterback sacker" -- overpowers the relatively mellow "Black and Yellow."

Our pick: We've got to go with the upset pick here. Wiz Khalifa and the Steelers put up a good showing, but the underdog Terry Motivation and the Ravens ride Ray Lewis to the victory.


Atlanta Falcons vs. Green Bay Packers

Falcons song:
"Rah (It's Game Time)," by DJ Kidd Star



Packers song:
"Green Bay Packers Anthem," by Def Crew



Analysis:
"Green Bay Packers Anthem" loses points for its unimaginative title, which is perhaps similar to the team's uncreative and inconsistent ground game. They can get into the end zone through the air, though. The Def Crew's guitar-based song scores with trash talk like "The Packers having the season you thought your team should" and wordplay like "Got the defense feeling dizzy / Now they seeing Bart Starrs."

However charming Def Crew's approach may be, it still falters when up against the more complete game played by DJ Kidd Star, whose "Rah (It's Game Time)" pays tribute to the Falcons with some much-expected Southern bounce. Like a pass from Matt Ryan to Roddy White, it may be predictable, but it's still almost impossible to stop.

Our pick:
The Falcons take it in a squeaker, despite an overachieving effort from the Pack.


Chicago Bears vs. Seattle Seahawks

Bears song:
"Bearin Down da Song," by Covelli Productions



Seahawks song:
"Seahawks' Time," by K Cartier



Analysis:
Give the Bears fans points for name-dropping just about every starter on both sides of the ball for the team. In addition to predictable shout-outs to Brian Urlacher, Julius Peppers and Jay Cutler, the Covelli Productions crew manages to work in references to offensive lineman Olin Kreutz and second cornerback Charles Tillman. Their boasts are also surprisingly specific. "We the best in the league on special teams," an MC asserts, a hard-to-argue statement about the third phase that only really makes sense when you consider that their recording runs over six minutes long.

The Seahawks, meanwhile, are repped by K Cartier's "Seahawks' Time," which gets points for its correct usage of the possessive apostrophe in the song title but loses a bunch more when you consider that the opening line references tailback Julius Jones -- who was cut by the team in week one and who lined up opposite the 'Hawks last week in their win over the Saints. Unfortunately, "Seahawks' Time" was recorded in 2009, but there isn't a more recent Seattle-based tribute on YouTube yet and this one is here mostly just because something had to qualify. Much like the Seahawks' surprising playoff appearance, in fact.

Our pick:
If all of the specific (and up-to-date) references in "Bearin Down da Song" weren't enough to give them the win, the fact that they just hit you over the head with six stifling minutes -- much like the Bears' D -- gives them the edge. Maybe next year someone will record a Marshawn Lynch-inspired song for the Seahawks called "Beast Mode."


New York Jets vs. New England Patriots


Jets song: "N.Y. Jets," by Prolyphic and Buddy Peace



Patriots song:
"Pats Music," by NBS



Analysis:
"Pats Music" comes out strong and stays that way, painting the picture of a perfect Patriots performance -- Brady passing to Welker, handing off to Woodhead, or hitting Gronkowski in the end zone. It also doesn't waste any time, clocking in at an economical 2:49. In fact, on paper, it may be the best fan-based rap tribute to a football team.

However, New York's Prolyphic brings one crucial attribute to "NY Jets" that NBS doesn't exhibit: personality, the same thing that Rex Ryan's band of morally ambiguous misfits showed this year, from "Hard Knocks" to knocking off the Colts. Rather than fitting the prototype of a fan tribute, Prolyphic opts instead to tell a personal story about Jets fandom, starting with the green-and-white hat his father gave him and including the disappointments he's witnessed -- from Ken O'Brien being drafted ahead of Dan Marino to Boomer Esiason, Vinny Testaverde and Brett Favre's lackluster stint with the team. Instead of boasts, he shares the heartaches and frustrations of fandom, packing a much more powerful punch than the boilerplate boasts in "Pats Music."

Our pick:
Despite seemingly having all of the momentum coming into the contest, the Pats are one-and-done, while New York continues on like a team of destiny.

 

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Austin Musician Has the Best RV Ever

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Austin, Texas, apparently everyone's favorite city in America, is famous for its array of street-legal art cars. But Austin musician David Weaver has done them all one better -- he has an art school bus. It's also a viable house, complete with a fireplace, a functioning kitchen, a piano, a second-floor porch, classy interior woodworking, three stories and a picket fence.



We talked to Weaver, who now lives in an apartment next to the bus, into giving us a tour of his ultimate mobile home -- which he drove from Seattle to Austin in 2009 -- and learned how he built it.

"After I graduated from college," Weaver says, "A friend and I started the project. We spent about a year getting it ready, then spent a few months driving it across the country before coming to Austin." The bus, which runs on vegetable oil, is roughly the same height as an 18-wheeler, with the camper top down. It's entirely self-sufficient, with the engine running as a generator when necessary, and a 50-gallon water tank attached to keep the kitchen and shower functional even when moving or parked in a Wal-Mart parking lot.

Keep reading to see more pictures of Weaver's ultimate home-away-from-home and an ex exclusive video tour.


 

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Robot Rock Bands Intend to Replace Human Musicians Forever

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When humanity inevitably finds itself at war with our robot nemeses, we know one thing for sure: They'll have their own theme music.

Who's to blame? A music collective called Expressive Machines Musical Instruments, who have used the well-intentioned-but-ultimately-damning-to-humanity fund-raising website Kickstarter to raise over $8,000 to build the mechanized musicians that will spur our robot opponents to war.

Until that happens, though, we've got the opportunity to listen to an entirely new field of music. While robotic music and electronic music might sound like they're pretty similar from a layman's perspective, Troy Rogers of EMMI explains that it's actually something really new.

"Electronic musicians manipulate digital and analog representations of sound," he says. "With robotic musical instruments, we manipulate the acoustic sound sources directly. With electronic music, the final destination is a set of inanimate loud speakers. In the acoustic world, there's always a physical gesture that gives rise to a sound."

Keep reading to find out why the EMMI robot musicians don't even warrant comparisons to the most famous of the robotic bands: the Chuck E. Cheese Band and Showbiz Pizza's Rock-afire Explosion."While animatronics is related to robotic musical instruments, our interest lies only with machines that actually make sound by physically manipulated acoustic sound sources," he says. "And the most effective way to do this is not to create a humanoid robot. If we're building a string instrument with 19 frets, we'll give the instrument 19 'fingers,' placed exactly where they need to be.

While that 19-fingered robot, MARIE, was funded by the Kickstarter campaign and is in progress, the bandmates -- PAM, CADI and MADI -- are already rocking:

Name: CADI (Configurable Automatic Drumming Instrument)

Influences: CADI's strikers "can be configured to beat on any object," EMMI explains, meaning that the drums in the photo are the instrument, not the musician -- in fact, CADI is designed so that it can play an upside-down coffee can just as well as a bongo.










Name: MADI (Multi-mallet Automatic Drumming Instrument)

Influences: Like CADI, MADI is a drummer. MADI features fifteen strikers made from rubber, felt, and hard plastic, as well as brushes. The strikers are all over the drum, positioned from the center to the rim, and the arms can strike simultaneously or individually. Unlike CADI, who's happy to play anything you put in front of it, MADI is mostly interested in beating on snare drums.








Name: PAM (Poly-tangent Automatic (multi-)Monochord)

Influences: Not all of EMMI's robot performers are drummers. In fact, PAM was the first of the robots the group built, and opts for the strings. PAM is capable of varying pitches and timbres. PAM is controlled from a computer via USB, and uses multiple strings to create a richer timbre.

 

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Is It Time for the United States to Break Into Two Countries?

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It seems like every month something else happens that shows us how deeply divided the U.S. is as a nation.

This month, we've seen the shooting of Rep. Gabrielle Giffords and the subsequent debate over whether it was all the Tea Party's fault or if the fact that the shooter had "The Communist Manifesto" on his MySpace "favorite books" list meant that he was a big liberal.

Meanwhile, every four years, we have an election to pick a leader that about 52 percent of the nation is super-psyched about and roughly 48 percent think is the biggest moron ever to walk the planet and/or is secretly from Muslim City, Kenya.

All of which brings up this (admittedly awkward) question: Why do we do this to ourselves? If half the country is still all into Obama and the other half clings to the hope of Palin/Beck '12, why not just cite irreconcilable differences and split it as though the red states and blue states had a no-fault divorce?

But then, we're hardly experts here. Fortunately, people who are experts are willing to humor us and explain why this could or couldn't work. Keep reading to see what we learned.It's Been Done Before
Al Martinich, a professor at the University of Texas with an interest in political philosophy, cautions us that this isn't his area, but he also brings up the fact that there've been a few obvious examples in the 20th century -- primarily the split of Czechoslovakia into the Czech Republic and Slovakia in 1993. "Ethnic pride motivated the Slovaks to want their own country even though they suffered economically," he explains.

Professor Martinich also mentions that Slovenia's war for independence from Yugoslavia wasn't particularly hard-fought. "Less than 75 people were killed in fighting that lasted only 11 days," he points out.

Martinich's fellow U.T. prof David Prindle mentions that a similar proposition is currently in the works in the Sudan, where the South is voting on whether to secede from the northern part of the country. He adds that "West and East Pakistan divorced into the countries of Pakistan and Bangladesh during the 1970s" for further proof that it's worked in the past.

So, theoretically at least, the idea of splitting into two countries isn't completely absurd on its face. Other countries, albeit not of the size or stature of the United States, have made it work.

But It Didn't Work Last Time We Tried It
We've been through this once before, though, and Prof. Prindle says that the challenge we'd face now is the same one we faced way back in 1861: "When the Southern states were seceding to form the Confederacy, one of the chief objections to simply letting them go was that such a new 'country' would block the Mississippi trade route to New Orleans," he explains. "A huge amount of trade, then as now, went down the Ohio, upper-Mississippi, and Missouri rivers to the port of New Orleans and then out into the world. This objection to the secession of the red Southern states is still very much alive."

Professor Martinich adds that the U.S. is just too diverse to make this an attractive option to a majority of Americans. "When someone like [Texas Governor Rick] Perry talks about the possibility of secession, he's more hat than gun," he says. "And what would happen to the purple states?"

It's a fair point. California, Oregon, Washington, Illinois, New York, Massachusetts and most of the rest of New England are pretty reliably blue, while Texas, several mountain states and the Deep South remain firmly red. But what about Florida and Ohio, which seem to blow with the wind each year? Would the two new nations alternate custody every four years or so, while the people of those flaky states tried to make up their minds?

We're Probably Stuck With Each Other
Ultimately, we can agree that it's appealing in theory -- imagine how awesome it would be if the idea of President Palin / President Obama (depending on your political stripes) were someone else's problem? After all, if there's one thing that all Americans, red or blue, can agree on, it's that whatever is happening in the rest of the world isn't really all that much of a concern. But when you think about it in practical terms, it probably wouldn't fly.

In the end, the red states aren't nearly as powerful economically, which would make it a struggle for them in the event of a split. Although, they do contain most of the military bases, so if they got too stressed about the fact that their blue neighbors were driving luxury hybrids and shopping at Whole Foods, they could probably just invade.

Which would put us right back where we started: in the middle of this mess. So, we should probably learn to agree on a few simple, basic things, and go from there. Maybe we could start with agreeing that, aside from getting an excuse to listen to GNR's "Civil War" again, there's not really much benefit to exploring this.

 

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